junkgoat

Perhaps it may sounded a little late.
But its going to be a new day.
For me and for my Art to say to say the least.

for years i kept telling myself that i m not the kind of girl who gets roses from admirers, love notes in the locker or getting text messages of sweet nothings. its because most of the time, thats how things turn out to be. i always blend into the background whenever im at gatherings, parties and social outings. i am very uncomfortable with my own skin and i keep glancing at guys that i have a crush on from a safe distance. there are countless times of self-embarrassment when i discover that these guys were not that into me, worst still, i get to know the hard way. like when i like guys that were actually trying to get close with my friends, sophomores, housemates.... anybody BUT me. it felt like as though im in a torture chamber or something because i kept getting rejections non-stop.
    it happened for so long that at one point, i just gave up and could not do it anymore.
then, i was so shocked because for the first time in my freaking 20 years of living, i get the chance to feel admired...well, even if its just temporarily. it all happen when the guys were giving me hints that one of their teammates is still single. i dont know if its a set up because the guy is practically sitting near me during dinner time. i  know im not that cute to get guys chasing after me. and i cant shake the feeling that this guy must be up to something. probably i have something that he wants (like money or artwork) or im close with somebody that he likes. i dont know. there are so many speculations swimming in my head because i refuse to accept that this crush is real.
      i mean, come-on! i just wanna be realistic and i need to logically think this through. there's gotta be a hidden agenda and i will find out soon. man! i never know im sooo cynical towards relationships.

'im a man of few words, thats right. Hey, why dont we talk about something we both like, umm...what do you call 'noodles' in bahasa melayu? oh yeah! thats right! ME!'
p/s: its hard to strike a conversation with a narcissist.

my mind is thinking about my jaw that's moving my mouth saying what my heart is feeling
           everybody can see why a nobody thinks that anybody can be somebody
                  and i just wanna be someone that u love
              that's the truth that lies under my mask of pretense  
                  discovery means to un-know what u have known
                    u just gotta dig deep for dirt under d snow
                  
                    today u knew i have always wanted to..
               
              (love you)..to sink my nose into that motor trades
                       so we could share d same interest
              (love you)..to hop on that mountain bike and pray
        that i dont need a reconstructing surgery at the end of the day
               (love you)..to cook u meals that fit for kings
                  and my heart is a no man's land that u can conquer
                            
               ...but you choose to un-know what you have known
my mind is thinking about my jaw that's moving my mouth saying what my heart is feeling   
            if she is d woman of your dream then i will fight like a man
                   i will fight this heartache like a man
                        i just wanted you out..out of my life  (By: Lady Bla Bla 2010)

where is this destined path leading me? its a struggle just NOT thinking about it. i've seen on E! that shows d documentation of hollywood superstars; ALL of them had a jump start at a tender age of fours or tens. so being a superstar simply means it's a looong way to the top.  but can i say the same thing for 'normal' everyday people like moi? seriously, there's nothing so 'hollywoodly glamorous' about it?! all i ever wanted to do is animation but im going nowhere. i even ended up getting a job that does not even related to my passion. i tried to break free but it all seemed 2 backfire. there were times i wished i had not sign up for THAT stupid academic course just to please my parents. for all u people out there (especially those who work in animation company)...i really really envy u 2 d max >